A couple of months ago, Mullet wrote a funny article selecting his inductees to his No Chance Hall of Fame Class of 2011. And while the article was definitely a fun read, I decided to take it a step further. Or backwards. Whichever is funnier.
Although the Hall of Fame is certainly a very big night, the event that takes place the night after the Hall of Fame ceremony is an even bigger spectacle. That’s right. WrestleMania. And although it is certainly the biggest wrestling event of the year by far, not everyone can be a part of it. Unless you are at least a talented mid-carder, a champion, or a Hall of Famer, there is no way you can even get close to the grandest stage of all.
And, to me, that is unfair. Because these talented wrestlers wouldn’t be where they are without the little guys. That’s right. The jobbers. It is the jobbers that go into the ring (hopefully, if they get lucky) night in and night out and show just how awesome the other wrestler is and how much they suck. It’s a beautiful art form in itself. Hey, I was the one that felt for Vladimir Kozlov being scratched from WrestleMania 27 at the last minute, remember?
So instead of names like John Cena, CM Punk, and The Rock lighting up the billboards, I’m giving the glory to the jobbers. This is JobberMania! So how exactly does one qualify for JobberMania? Well, I’m glad you asked. It’s easy.
1. No wrestler who holds/has held any WWE title can participate. Even recent/former WWE tag team title holders. Yeah, we are really scraping the bottom of the jobber barrel.
2. All wrestlers involved in JobberMania are currently on the WWE roster except for one of the jobbers in the main event. You’ll see.
3. The more of a jobber you are, the bigger match you get.
So live from the gymnasium of Boston Latin School, the oldest high school in the United States, this is JobberMania! What, you didn’t think this was going to happen in a real sports stadium, did you? There is no way it would sell out. So let’s get started with our dark match: a 20-man battle royal! And while this match usually features the worst of the worst, for JobberMania, it’s the complete opposite.
Dark Battle Royal: Alberto Del Rio, Big Show, Booker T, Chris Jericho, Christian, CM Punk, Cody Rhodes, Daniel Bryan, Dolph Ziggler, John Cena, Kane, Mark Henry, Randy Orton, Rey Mysterio, Sheamus, Great Khali, The Miz, Undertaker, Wade Barrett, Triple H
That’s right. 18 WWE/World Heavyweight Champions and so many Intercontinental/United States Championship reigns, I would need the hands and feet of the entire Swoggle Squad to count. But in any event, John Cena would definitely be the #1 entrant. Let him see how it feels. And he isn’t going to go on any Shawn Michaels/Chris Benoit (A.K.A BLANK) run here. No, the match is the most horrible match on the card. So many good moves and awesome spots, the crowd practically dies of boredom. Some go to the bathroom, some get their first beer, and others tweet away about how excited they are to cheer for JTG. Conveniently, the winner of this rumble comes in at #30 and proves why maybe he is not better on his own. Just close your eyes. Seriously.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: Jey & Jimmy Uso VS Hunico & Camacho
Well, we should just name this match, “Battle of the Ball Droppers.” The Usos, who came in as a legitimate threat to the Hart Foundation when they had the WWE tag team titles, went away before they had a chance to make an actual impact. It’s still hard to believe that even though they had the ball dropped on them, they are still here while Tyson Kidd is getting used to Natalya’s farts and David Hart Smith is possibly trying to get into mixed martial arts. You know that’s real and not scripted, right, Davey Boy? Hunico came in as Black Sin Cara to battle the real Sin Cara, but since the real Sin Cara botched so much he could fill an episode of Botchamania by himself, Black Sin Cara sucked in relation. I mean, who honestly thought the whole “fake Sin Cara” storyline was going to work? And who dropped the ball on developing a plan B? This led to the forced move of making him basically a Mexican gangster. And someone REALLY dropped the ball bringing Camacho in. Until he shows any promise, I’m going to refer to him as the “Mexican Tyson Tomko.” In any event, it comes down to what it really is: Samoan tribal dancers versus Mexican bicyclists. And riding a bike down to the ring is a classical jobber move above all.
Winners: Hunico and Camacho
WWE Divas Championship Battle Royal: AJ, Aksana, Kaitlyn, Nikki Bella, Rosa Mendes, and Tamina Snuka
Mullet, you can go take your cigarette break now. It is simply astonishing that over 50 percent of the Divas on the roster have held the Divas and/or Women’s Championship. Well, it would be exactly 50 percent if I put Kharma in here. But she is NOT a jobber at all. And I’m afraid if I said she was one, she would kick my ass. Anyway, I look at this list, and the decision is actually tough. Does Nikki Bella win because she always jobs for her sister, Brie? Rosa Mendes because her knowledge of the Spanish language jobs to make Epico and Primo’s better? But when I think about it, I’m going to give it to AJ. Because she is probably the only one on this list that has jobbed for both female and male wrestlers. She jobbed to Aksana at the FCW show in Kissimmee that we went to, her love for meat has jobbed to Daniel Bryan’s vegan ways, and she jobbed to Big Show just to show how big and massive of a person that he is. Like that fact needed any clarification. Your neck feel OK there, AJ? Well, it’ll feel better after you win. However, Kaitlyn did come in at a close second because I talked to her about soft pretzels at the Kissimmee FCW show. Rich, we both may have a chance.
The Streak: Tyler Reks VS Alex Riley
Well, just like WrestleMania, it wouldn’t be JobberMania without a match in which one wrestler has a streak on the line. However, it wouldn’t be a winning streak. It would be a losing streak. A losing streak at JobberMania is considered one of the most astonishing and remarkable streaks out there. And with any streak, one wrestler states that he finally has what it takes to end it. Tyler Reks is the perfect jobber. His name just screams jobber. And if not that, than his enormous dreadlocks will since he is a white American that has no reason at all to have dreadlocks. In fact, he has not won a match on Raw or Smackdown (dark match, included) since January of 2011! Since then, Reks has only won 10 out of 38 matches all together! And most of those wins were tag team wins. But here comes Alex Riley! He has certainly been in the doghouse as of late, and he has not performed in a non-dark match on Raw or Smackdown since October of 2011. Since then, he has only won seven out of 17 matches and is on a seven-match losing streak. Needless to say, he provides a challenge. But in the end, if the streak was ever broken, nobody would probably watch JobberMania ever again (*wink wink* WWE). So while Riley does all he can to perform just as low, Reks finds a way to sink even lower.
Winner: Alex Riley. Tyler Reks’s losing streak at JobberMania continues.
Money in the Bank: Mason Ryan, Justin Gabriel, Hornswoggle, Jinder Mahal, Sin Cara, and Yoshi Tatsu
Now when you look at this list of wrestlers, there exists some actual legitimate talent. However, as in every Money in the Bank, it features the wrestlers that are just on the cusp of being a main eventer. This is no different. The match features wrestlers that are not legitimate jobbers but are right on the cusp. So a Welshman, a South African, an Irish little person (yet he’s actually American), a Canadian, a Mexican, and a Chinese man walk into a Money in the Bank match. What’s the punchline? I don’t know if there is one, but I can see so many botches that could possibly happen. Jinder Mahal tries to put Hornswoggle through a table, but it doesn’t break. Yoshi Tatsu tries to hit Sin Cara with a chair but completely whiffs because he has probably never swung a chair in his life. And Justin Gabriel tries the 450 Splash from the top of a ladder on Mason Ryan but only gets 360 degrees around and completely Warrior's Ways Ryan from 20 feet up. One thing is for sure: While all of these wrestlers have jobbing skills, only one of them has had an epic fall from grace that would make a fall from the top of a ladder seem tame. He grabs the suitcase but botches posing for victory on the ladder and ends up falling out of the ring and through the announcing table. He may currently be injured, but something tells me that when he gets back, he is going to job like it is his, well, job. Especially since he won’t be the only masked Mexican wrestler around. BOOYAKA!
Winner: Sin Cara
World Heavyweight Championship: Trent Barreta VS Johnny Curtis
I think it goes without saying that being able to wrestle for the World Heavyweight Championship at JobberMania is every jobber’s dream come true. To raise that belt high above his head and have the boyhood dream come true on the lowest stage of all. And these two men are not going to let that opportunity go without a fight. First up is ex-Dudebuster Trent Barreta. Although his shining achievement has been that escalator trick he did on “Z! True Long Island Story,” it certainly hasn’t been in the ring. In fact, throughout his entire wrestling career (WWE, FCW, MXW), he only boasts a 26 percent winning percentage. That is 65 wins out of 250 matches! Kind of makes you feel bad for him when you hear that because he is a great talent and a cool guy. I mean, anyone who signs their signature with his first name and a question mark is pretty cool. Now onto Johnny Curtis. The season 4 NXT winner has certainly been busy before and after his NXT days by performing in both FCW and WWE. And while his FCW wrestling stats are way better (he was also a two-time Florida Tag Team Champion), his WWE wrestling stats are much worse by winning only 29 percent of his matches. This is a little bit better than Barreta’s WWE record. It’s such a hard decision as to who is the better jobber. So I decided the winner of this match the only way I know how: real facts. They have only faced off in singles competition once. Johnny Curtis won. So Barreta, enjoy your success on the small stage.
Winner: Trent Barreta
WWE Championship: Ricardo Rodriguez VS JTG
This is what it is all about. Wrestling for the WWE Championship at JobberMania. This is where all of the training for squash matches and lack of athletic ability come into play. And when it comes to the top jobbers in the business to fight for this title, Ricardo Rodriguez and JTG are at the top of the list. Even though Ric Rod is just Alberto Del Rio’s announcer, he is also a wrestler with WWE and FCW. However, his record is not impressive at all. Altogether, he boasts only nine wins out of 29 matches and only ONE WIN in WWE against Conor O’Brian. Needless to say, he has been forced to job again and again for Del Rio and be his pathetic lackey. But what about JTG? Once a part of Cryme Tyme, singles competition hasn’t exactly been his forte. Since Cryme Tyme broke up in April of 2010, JTG has competed in 65 singles matches including battle royals and Royal Rumbles. He has only won 10 of them. 10! That is only 15 percent! He is also currently on a seven-match losing streak. Man, this is a tough matchup. It’s the equivalent of Shawn Michaels versus Bret Hart or “Stone Cold” Steve Austin versus The Rock. But in overall suck. However, in the end, there is one factor to determine the winner. Ric Rob has beaten Conor O’Brian. JTG has jobbed to him. And with one swift move, the title is JTG’s, and he can take it back to celebrate in BROOKLYN! BROOKLYN!
Main Event: Michael Cole VS Simon Dean
Now it’s time for the main event! And while WrestleMania 28 has one of the greatest wrestlers today in John Cena facing off against one of the greatest wrestlers of all time in The Rock, JobberMania has one of the best jobbers today in Michael Cole facing off against one of the greatest jobbers of all time in Simon Dean. Michael Cole was born to be a jobber. Since he started in the WWE as a backstage correspondent, he has always been jobbing. He’s jobbed for Jim Ross, Jerry Lawler, Tazz, and even Josh Mathews. Cole's microphone skills makes anyone he is announcing with 10 times better. Except for Booker T. It’s hard to not sound stupid when you say things like, “Shucky ducky quack quack!” And recently, he’s been jobbing in the ring. He has never won clean by himself. Well, except if you count him beating Vickie Guerrero in a dance-off. However, when it comes to the term “jobber,” no one is more certified for that term than the WWE’s former dietician, Simon Dean. Even though his time in pre-WWE ECW was successful, when he joined the WWE, Simon Dean was made to suck. Excluding tag team matches, Dean garnered 15 wins out of 64 matches! A lousy 23 percent winning percentage! In fact, the last singles match that Dean won was a full SIX MONTHS before his stint with WWE was done. During his last year, he jobbed to the likes of Bobby Lashley, Eugene, Juventud Guerrero, Gunner Scott, Matt Hardy, and even Vito. You know, leading up to JobberMania, there were talks about making Cole a legitimate wrestler so that both wrestlers wouldn’t be jobbers. And fans liked the idea by even chanting back and forth, “Cole’s a jobber!” “Cole is good!” But, in the end, it would not be, and both jobbers would be true to themselves and job their hearts out. It would be a match of such low proportions, they have built it up for a whole entire year. And while Cole can certainly put up a poor fight, it is no match for Dean. I don’t know what was in the Simon Dean System, but it certainly works for the man to be one of the best jobbers ever. And if you don’t believe me, remember this one thing: Simon Dean jobbed to a man who wrestled in a dress. GAME OVER.
Winner: Simon Dean
And as Simon Dean has his hand raised in victory, sparklers go off around the JobberMania sign! Asbestos confetti showers down from the ceiling! Sparks are flying through the air due to old lights blowing out! It truly is the best JobberMania ever!